A satirical look at running in the U.S.A. and beyond
Momentum gained for Prefontaine sainthood - Legendary American distance runner, Steve Prefontaine, has become the focus of an increasingly passionate movement which organizer Joey Thompson hope will result in his receiving the rare status of a Saint. Thompson says he hatched the idea after having a vision while running the hills that Prefontaine himself trained on during his collegiate years at Oregon.
Compression shorts linked to infertility - The increasingly popular use of "compression shorts" underneath more standard athletic attire was studied in a year long retrospective study completed by Harvard trained scientists, Edward Shields and his cohort Elijah Yarnell. Shields and Yarnell studied the sperm count of runners of varying abilities and found one hard fact that served notice: 62% reduction in viable sperm count in those runners wearing compression shorts.
Hugh Hefner swears off sex! - In an astounding turn about, legendary "Playboy" magazine founder, Hugh Hefner, has quit sex cold turkey after he discovered a new passion. "I found out what I was missing by spending my whole day with a bed full of playmates. They may all have been as soft as biscuits and smelled like strawberry jam, but they can't stack up to a good ten-miler. I'm just glad I found out about running before it was too late".
Running shoe fetish may lead to prison term - It has long been said that Imelda Marcos had the world cornered on the record number of shoes accumulated over a lifetime. But after the discovery of four storage garages full of old running shoes she may have to take a back seat to an obsessed ultramarathoner, arrested Monday after he attempted to smuggle in a truck bed full of stolen running shoes.
Secret documents reveal carboloading scam - In an astonishing development a corporate insider's shocking revelation has led to the indictment of the long time owners of the powerful Barilla Company. They are charged with perpetrating a fraud on the marathon running community by "influencing" clinical studies from an assortment of worldwide food-testing laboratories. No studies show runners who carbo-load have improved racing performance.
Cross country team addicted to sport drinks - A dangerous new fad has swept into Northern Idaho after local police raided a suburban garage late last Tuesday. Garbage bags of empty Mountain Dew "Amp" were confiscated and loaded into a dump tuck for evaluation at the state crime lab. Authorities are piecing together the stories of a secretive cult of long distance runners who had been abusing the increasingly popular sports drink.
New sliding event for the Chicago Marathon - "Chicago Marathon" race director announced that he will be adding a new event to the next edition of the legendary footrace, the Pheiddipiddes Slip and Slide. The announcement came after the 2006 race that gained instant notoriety for the climactic slip and fall of race winner Robert Cheruiyot as he crossed the finish line.
Kenyan walker shunned by village - A Kenyan man has been cast out of his boyhood home of Eldoret because of his predilection for competitive race walking. The shunned man, 23 year-old Samuel Oseigo, spoke out from the neighboring country of Tanzania where he had been granted "aerobic asylum" by the Tanzanian government. Oseigo related a lifelong passion for an activity inherently foreign to the runner-rich Rift Valley portion of Kenya.
Czech couple: "Our son will win!" - Tomas and Johana Novak have a simple plan for their unborn son and they are not shy in unveiling it to the world. "He will be a champion baby-runner," said Tomas as he was interviewed from his humble home in Koprivnice, Czechoslovakia. "I have made plans for it to be so."
Spam addiction overpowers runner - Long-time vegetarian and marathon runner Sally Pierce has vanquished many foes in her sterling competitive career, but it is a ten-ounce piece of meat-based product that currently holds the upper hand. Spam, the long-time favorite of both rich and poor alike, has derailed her training and for now put her racing career on hold.
Ultrarunner to test outer limits - Greek endurance runner Aesop Bion has announced his plan to run uninterrupted for a span of seven weeks in an attempt to set a new world record for continuous ultradistance running. Bion's proclamation comes on the heels of fellow countryman Yiannis Kouros and his legendary record setting ultramarathon running career.
The Perfect Bunion is maintained by Paul Maurer. Paul is a graduate of the University of Wisconsin where he studied Business Management and Marketing. He works as a Doctor of Chiropractic in the Milwaukee area where he lives with his wife, Sue, their three rambunctious sons, and the family dog, Sam. He is the author of "The Gift - A Runner's Story", the first of a planned trilogy of works that center on his lifelong passion of distance running.
