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Ultrarunner to test outer limits

Greek endurance runner Aesop Bion has announced his plan to run uninterrupted for a span of seven weeks in an attempt to set a new world record for continuous ultradistance running. Bion's proclamation comes on the heels of fellow countryman Yiannis Kouros and his legendary record setting ultramarathon running career. Kouros has competed in countless races varying from distances of up to 12 days duration and spanning 1000 miles. Kouros has been called a "running god" by admirers and has portrayed the famed Pheidippides in a movie about marathon running.

"I know I can do it," said the thin-framed Bion. "I've been up against Kouros before and have come close to beating him. I've upped my training for the last year and have run up to twenty hours straight and I have been weaning myself off of sleep for the past few months. It's gotten so that I can stay alert for a days at a time before the hallucinations and shakes start to set in."

When asked how he expects to manage to stay awake for the full seven weeks a sly smile crosses his lips. "I'm a biochemist by trade and my partner and I have stumbled on a solution to that very problem. We have been able to isolate an active chemical released during the REM stages of sleep and have been able to extract it from the buttocks of sheep. It has been a truly remarkable discovery."

"It is amazing," said fellow biochemist Elias Haemon. "We have found out that the body emits a rejuvenating neurotransmitter called 'psychohistamine' during the REM cycle of sleep. Then when Aesop was boiling sheep tallow for a batch of homemade soap he discovered the tallow was loaded with the stuff! It turns out sheep sleep so much that the psychohistamine is literally pouring out of their systems. We found it was an added bonus that sheep stand when they sleep which will end up helping Aesop all the more."

"Since I will be on my feet for seven weeks, I think the psychohistamine injections will allow me to be upright all day," said a clearly excited Bion. "The only problem is the side effects of needing a wool shearing every week and the fact that I get as horny as rutting billy goat. I can handle the shearing, but I'm still working on controlling my animal urges."

Bion is expected to begin his run from Thessaloniki next week. He plans on heading through the farmland region of Macedonia and continue north for the seven week period. Local farmers are recommended to keep all female sheep secure and out of harms way.

The Perfect Bunion - A satirical look at running in the United States of America and beyond.

Credits

The Perfect Bunion is maintained by Paul Maurer. Paul is a graduate of the University of Wisconsin where he studied Business Management and Marketing. He works as a Doctor of Chiropractic in the Milwaukee area where he lives with his wife, Sue, their three rambunctious sons, and the family dog, Sam. He is the author of "The Gift - A Runner's Story", the first of a planned trilogy of works that center on his lifelong passion of distance running.